My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
FRED: right
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.