[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
You Might Also Like
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce