The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I am HOWLING at this
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Damn he played himself
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?