telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Accurate
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I triple waxed for this?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.