Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*mops up wine with cat*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter