Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
You Might Also Like
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Never forget.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.