Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
translated into Canadian
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Well, this certainly took a turn
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?