Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
You Might Also Like
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”