Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.