[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
meow
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS