My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.