I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime