me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets