first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.