me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Never let them know your next move 😂
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!