[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.