Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
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Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!