13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.