My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little