Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.