1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.