i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra