Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Muppet Screams
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
A Short Story.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Thanks to a fan for this one.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?