Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
adam and eve had first world problems
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it