Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Children of the corn 🌽
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
3% human
97% stress
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes