I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Milk Cube
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*