when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.