What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.