Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
#FunnyLife Insects
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.