Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
do u think theres a butter planet?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
This will never not be funny to me.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.