Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When can I start eating bats again.