I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I feel it
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job