no cat here
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
spicy snake
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?