Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.