ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.