If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.