If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow