“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Make new friends? bro out of what?
your honor my client chooses dare
Don’t touch that.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.