Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?