Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Finally
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.