Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
How dramatic are you?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
welp
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.