A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.