* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.