alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Ain’t no way
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.