Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
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[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud