I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.