If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?