*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.