An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
😂😂😂
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.