WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.